When I get my own place, one thing I'm going to do is leave a napkin on top of the toilet with a fork and knife on it, as if it were set up at a dinner table. This would be for purely comedic purposes, and I'd like to see the reactions I would get from such ridiculousness.
While I'm on the subject, it's something done everyday and by everyone, yet it is rarely talked about. I'm of course referring to pooping. Having a bowel movement. Defecating. Dumping, crapping, squatting, excreting, shitting, number two, dropping a deuce, leaving (or making) a deposit, sitting on the throne, dropping the children off at the pool. For something not really talked about, it sure has a lot of names.
I for one, enjoy my dumps. I take my time and enjoy myself -- even if it does sometimes get me into trouble (I've been Larry Craig-ed before, at school no less). I'm in there for usually about twenty minutes -- sometimes longer. It's not that I have trouble going, it's just that being on the toilet is the best time to think, and the best time to read. I've made some important life decisions while on the john in addition to enjoying many fine books, and I can't understand the people who are in and out in like a minute. They come out and I say, "I thought you had to crap," and they respond, "I just did." That's it? Just go in there, drop the pants, use all your might to exert enough energy to squeeze it all out in one blow, wipe, and get out? Sickens me. I couldn't take a one minute dump if you paid me $100, although that's a physical restraint. I'd try and pretend I could, but would be found out when it started sliding down my leg. I'm thinking five minutes might even be a little tight... ten is the minimum I'll allow myself. If I have somewhere to be in seven minutes, I won't chance it.
Maybe it's just that my dumps are epic. Have you ever done your business, and the toilet wouldn't flush all the way based on volume alone? Like it hasn't even gotten to the toilet paper yet. I wish they had an award for the most epic dumps. I would entitle mine to share the name of a recent Academy Award Nominee for Best Picture: There Will Be Blood. These epics only come once in a while mind you, but I still wonder how so much could accumulate. I go everyday (always at work on a workday -- nothing better than being paid to crap), sometimes even twice a day.
I can easily recall the most epic dump I've ever been involved with.
*If you don't want to get totally grossed out, then disregard the rest of this post!
I had eaten at a thai restaurant the night before (AppeThai on the Ave to be specific), and hadn't felt good since. When I woke up in the morning, my stomach was absolutely churning. Based on the ten minute rule I had set above, I didn't have time to dump, shower, and get to work on time. I was grateful when I started releasing some gas, as I thought it would relieve some of my stomach pains. Then suddenly, I felt a bubbly dampness -- My God, did I just shart (def. (v): accidentally discharge poop with the intention of only farting)? I ran to the bathroom and looked in my boxer briefs -- nothing, I was clean. But it was at that moment that I knew I would not be making work that day. I sat down on the toilet, and let's just say when I was done twenty five minutes later, I had to wipe my ass, my leg, and the inner toilet bowl (the part where the water doesn't reach). A tip of my cap to AppeThai for sponsoring that event -- hopefully they can cover the cost of me not being able to work for the next three days.
While I'm on the subject, it's something done everyday and by everyone, yet it is rarely talked about. I'm of course referring to pooping. Having a bowel movement. Defecating. Dumping, crapping, squatting, excreting, shitting, number two, dropping a deuce, leaving (or making) a deposit, sitting on the throne, dropping the children off at the pool. For something not really talked about, it sure has a lot of names.
I for one, enjoy my dumps. I take my time and enjoy myself -- even if it does sometimes get me into trouble (I've been Larry Craig-ed before, at school no less). I'm in there for usually about twenty minutes -- sometimes longer. It's not that I have trouble going, it's just that being on the toilet is the best time to think, and the best time to read. I've made some important life decisions while on the john in addition to enjoying many fine books, and I can't understand the people who are in and out in like a minute. They come out and I say, "I thought you had to crap," and they respond, "I just did." That's it? Just go in there, drop the pants, use all your might to exert enough energy to squeeze it all out in one blow, wipe, and get out? Sickens me. I couldn't take a one minute dump if you paid me $100, although that's a physical restraint. I'd try and pretend I could, but would be found out when it started sliding down my leg. I'm thinking five minutes might even be a little tight... ten is the minimum I'll allow myself. If I have somewhere to be in seven minutes, I won't chance it.
Maybe it's just that my dumps are epic. Have you ever done your business, and the toilet wouldn't flush all the way based on volume alone? Like it hasn't even gotten to the toilet paper yet. I wish they had an award for the most epic dumps. I would entitle mine to share the name of a recent Academy Award Nominee for Best Picture: There Will Be Blood. These epics only come once in a while mind you, but I still wonder how so much could accumulate. I go everyday (always at work on a workday -- nothing better than being paid to crap), sometimes even twice a day.
I can easily recall the most epic dump I've ever been involved with.
*If you don't want to get totally grossed out, then disregard the rest of this post!
I had eaten at a thai restaurant the night before (AppeThai on the Ave to be specific), and hadn't felt good since. When I woke up in the morning, my stomach was absolutely churning. Based on the ten minute rule I had set above, I didn't have time to dump, shower, and get to work on time. I was grateful when I started releasing some gas, as I thought it would relieve some of my stomach pains. Then suddenly, I felt a bubbly dampness -- My God, did I just shart (def. (v): accidentally discharge poop with the intention of only farting)? I ran to the bathroom and looked in my boxer briefs -- nothing, I was clean. But it was at that moment that I knew I would not be making work that day. I sat down on the toilet, and let's just say when I was done twenty five minutes later, I had to wipe my ass, my leg, and the inner toilet bowl (the part where the water doesn't reach). A tip of my cap to AppeThai for sponsoring that event -- hopefully they can cover the cost of me not being able to work for the next three days.
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